Last night I stayed up too late, there was just always one more thing I wanted to do. So I was tired this morning, and coming in to work on things that will never go anywhere while I wait to find out if I'll have a job and what it will be just isn't that compelling. It was after 8 when I decided I really had to acknowledge the morning and get up. Got my shower without really opening my eyes, as I do. Put in my contacts and looked into the mirror, and THERE, right behind me, on the wall where it had obviously just watched me shower, was a HUGE, full-grown, minion of hell! Terror and loathing filled me and I instantly ceded it the bathroom. They have wings here! Who knows what it was planning!
I did the only thing I could do, other than curl into a ball, whimper, and figure out how to teleport to the surface of the sun where I could be clean of this abomination. I called Ben at work and sobbed incoherently. Luckily this is a prearranged signal between us, and he correctly interpreted it as, "Please come save me from the hideous freak of nature that is attacking me!" (By attacking me I mean existing in sight of me. It's a mental attack.)
He is most wonderful person on earth, and the only one I know who would leave work to come rescue me from a cockroach, and that is one of the many reasons I am marrying him. But he hasn't yet learned how to teleport to me immediately, despite my clear wishes on the subject, and so it took him ten minutes to get there.
So I waited. I couldn't allow the mentally-scarring beast to be unchaperoned, because the only thing worse than knowing a huge cockroach is right there is knowing a huge cockroach WAS just right there and now COULD BE ANYWHERE OH GOD OH GOD. Before I called it had been still, apparently hoping its huge, dark, disgusting body would go unnoticed on my cream-colored walls, but after a few seconds, and I am nauseous as I attempt to describe this, it began.. it began to move. Slowly, with gag-inducing motions, it extended its terrible legs and crept around my wall. MY wall! The wall I live in! Or next to, you know, near!
Its ghastly antenna flexing, it crept towards the shower. My shower! Where I had just been, completely vulnerable to it! I could tell it wanted to wash its own evil essence away, perhaps using my nice shampoo! I had to do something!
Acting quickly, I reached out and turned off the light. It froze, but only momentarily. It was emboldened by the return of the shadows! Perhaps its dastardly plan involved darkness somehow, shutting out the sun so it could more easily work its evil here. I couldn't allow that! I turned the light back on. Again it froze, but again only for a moment. Its long dark legs were still moving, still writhing terribly against my innocent wall.
The Kitten had since woken up and was attempting to console my obvious terror by rolling on the floor and waving her paws at me, but it was little help. There was too much evil emanating from the bathroom.
I called Ben again to inform him of the status of the hideous creature. "Ben, it's moving! Hurry!" He was two blocks away. I turned the light back off, hoping to confuse it just a little longer. Was its plan succeeding or not? How could it tell? It was clearly wondering if it could reach the shower faucet and enjoy the rest of my hot water.
Finally he was there! Looking adorable and capable in his bomber jacket, he came in and I pointed, attempting to stop gibbering in fear, towards the dark bathroom. He turned the light on and even he was taken aback by the size of the savage fiend lurking there. He closed the doors to prevent its escape, and then I heard it. The THUMP of victory. It was following closely by the toilet flush of safety and then the sound-of-hand-washing of peace.
Its reign of terror was over. I celebrated by only crying a little on Ben, and then letting him go back to work. Luckily his boss thought it was very sweet of him to overthrow the infestation for me.
